I’ve been going through old documents (many dating back to the mid ’90s) and finding some gems. Here’s a humorous skit I was a part of in Tucson during a Latin convention. Yeah, I actually went to a convention about Latin back in the day.
So without further ado. I present this skit mostly written by Jared Fox while I contributed in some parts of the story. I don’t remember exactly how the audience responded.
NARRATOR: (Nasal and snotty) Our little story today begins in the small province of Gallia Narborbensis, where the three stooges are gardeners by occupation.
(Curlius enters while Larius and Moeus are working).
CURLIUS: Hi, Moeus. Hi, Larrius. Get it, Hilarius nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.
MOEUS: Yes, I get it. Let me know if you get this. (he kicks Curlius).
CURLIUS: I got it, but it wasn’t very funny.
MOEUS: Cm’on get to woyk.
LARIUS: I can’t woyk any more today. I’ve got a weak back.
MOEUS: How long have you had a weak back?
LARIUS: Oh, about a week back.
MOEUS: Say, you do look tired, here let me help you relax. (kick foot-knee-elbow-fist-face bit).
CURLIUS: I’m tired of gardening, it’s too much woyk
MOEUS: Y’know, for once in your life, you’re right.
CURLIUS: Why, thank you.
MOEUS: Let’s think of something else we can do, so we won’t have to woyk so hard. (pause).
CURLIUS: I try to think, but nothing happens. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk
MOEUS: Oh, yeah? (eyepokes Curlius, but Curlius blocks so Moeus punches Curlius’ stomach and knocks him on the head then pokes Curlius eye).
CURLIUS: I can’t see. I can’t see.
MOEUS: What’s the matter?
CURLIUS: I had my eyes closed. (Moeus slaps him).
MOEUS: Quit goofing around and think of something easy for us to do. (Pause) I’ve got it! What we need is some kind of government job, y’know, the kind where you do nothing, get lots of money, and people bow to you when you walk by.
LARIUS: How can we get that kind of a job. (pause).
CURLIUS: Hey, Moeus. What’s that sign say?
MOEUS: It says: “We want you. do you want to be famous? Do you want to see Rome free of charge? Do you want direct connection with the emperor? Come be a gladiator. Sign up today.
LARIUS: Hey, Moeus. That’s our chance.
MOEUS: Yeah. But we need some sort of catchy phrase, so everybody will remember our name.
CURLIUS: I know, we could be the third triumvirant.
MOEUS: That’s great, Curlius. I always knew you had a brain somewhere.
CURLIUS: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk (while “toupeeing” his head).
LARIUS: We could have a motto.
MOEUS: Yeah. How about “All for one (hand out)
LARIUS: One for all. (hand in pile)
CURLIUS: And three for five. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk (puts hand in pile. when they pull hands out they hit each other Curlius does hand waver thing to Moeus until Moeus’ face is on the ground, then Curlius and Larrius dogpile onto Moeus)
NARRATOR: That’s how the third triumvirant was formed. The stooges were getting ready for their trip to Rome. Moeus soon realized that since they were going to rule Rome, they needed to be able to converse with the people there. He decided to give Larrius and Curlius a Latin lesson.
MOEUS: Okay boys. First we’re going to start with pronunciation. In Latin, all v’s are pronounced like w’s. therefore, this word (writes vigilabat on board) is pronounced wiggleabout. (Larius and Curlius start wiggling towards Moeus).
MOEUS: Spread out! What do you think you’re doing?
CURLIUS: You told us to wiggle about, so we did.
MOEUS: I’ll moidur you guys…
LARIUS: We’re sorry Moeus. Let’s continue with the lesson.
CURLIUS: Yeah, learn us some more, teach.
MOEUS: Well, since you failed pronunciation, we’ll move on to wocabulary, I mean vocabulary. Now the first word we’ll learn is the word for while. (Writes dum on board) Dum.
LARIUS: Hey, who’re you calling dumb?
MOEUS: Why, ya going to do anything about it?
LARIUS: No, I was just asking.
CURLIUS: I don’t mind being called dumb. With my good looks, I don’t have to be smart.
MOEUS: Who ever said you had good looks?
CURLIUS: I once one won a Haephestus look-alike contest.
MOEUS: Is that so? (holds Curlius’ face) We wouldn’t want to spoil that complexion now would we? (Moeus slaps Curlius). Well, since you failed the language section, let’s move on to culture. (Curlius raises his hand wildly).
CURLIUS: I know all about culture. I have lots of it growing under my toenails.
MOEUS: Why, you. (he chases Curlius and Larius off the stage while the narrator begins to speak).
NARRATOR: After their Latin lesson, the stooges went to the gladiator recruiting office. From there they traveled to Rome, and began to prepare to be introduce to the crowd.
LARIUS: Hey, guys, isn’t this great. We’re here in Rome, and we’re just about to be introduced as the third triumvirant to all these people, who will love us, and give us lots of money.
CURLIUS: Yeah, and they gave us these nice clothes to wear.
MOEUS: Yeah. And they gave us this special induction phrase to say.
ALL: Ave, imperator, morituri te salutant
MOEUS: Y’know. I remember having heard that phrase somewhere before. It’s something like “Hail the emperor, we are saluted by you until death.”
CURLIUS: Oh boy, I can hardly wait.
MOEUS: They must really like us already. Do you notice all of those armed guards surrounding us?
CURLIUS: Wow! We must be special.
LARIUS: Hey, guys. The guards over there seem to be coming this way.
MOEUS: Hey I just remembered what that funny phrase meant. It means “Hail emperor, those about to die salute you!” (Pause). Let’s get out a’ here. (They turn around and stop short as if they see other guards coming at them from the other way too).
MOEUS: Were surrounded! Well men, there’s only one thing to do. We’ll have to fight our way out. To your spinach, men (they eat spinach).
(Battle with the Three Stooges triumphant)
MOEUS: Well, boys. We did it.
LARIUS: Yeah. Listen to all those people cheer.
CURLIUS: Hey look. That guy in the big fancy box really likes us. He has his finger up like this (demonstrates).
LARIUS: Hey Moeus, Why do you suppose all of those guards are coming towards us with their swords raised? (all look at each other and yell Yaaahahah while “dead” guards on stage get up and chase Three Stooges off the stage).
CAST: (Bows in character).